Marriage and Family... the Issues

Marriage and families are very important to Mormons and other people.  We defend the family from attacks that could desecrate and destroy the sacred institution.  Recent discussions and news reports have been on my mind and I want to explore this topic.

I recently heard the term "natural family" being used by some and protested by others.  What is a natural family?  I believe if we looked back in time we would find the natural family grew from individuals mating, reproducing and living with their mates, and children.  At first that seems very familiar, but, wait.  A person in such a family would would grow up to live with with his/her parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, children, and grandchildren.  This extended family would be living together or in very close proximity.  This I believe is the natural family.

I did not grow up in a natural family.  Any chance of the Martinsens living in a natural family was shattered by World War II, when all the men in the family left the Idaho home and farm and never came back.  Each settled somewhere else in nuclear families of their own.  Society, the state, and economics crushed the natural family long ago.  Today we can see remnants of the natural family in the Amish and other cultures struggling to continue in the face of economic pressures.  It can be done, but it is very difficult.

The nuclear family of mother, father and children, who will grow up and leave the home, is a truncated, radically pruned version of the family.  It is an isolated and socially deprived, unsupported organization.  I believe that both parents and children experience greater stress in such families.  The extended family, the natural family has far more internal supports and richer relationships.  I have only seen fleeting hints of the natural family in the occasional family reunions.

If we are interested in protecting and defending the family, we need to understand that the natural family has already been lost.  All we can do now is to pick up the pieces of that shattered institution and try to support them.  Those shards are the nuclear family (the "new natural family"), divorced families, step-parents and their families, single-parent families, foster families, adopted families, and all other forms of partnerships and guardianships.  If we conservatively try to define marriage and family, we risk marginalizing people who do not live with our definition; I can assure you they need our support.

Some discussions focus on same-sex marriages as the greatest attack on marriage and family.  I disagree.  I do not see same-sex marriages as viable reproductive units.  At best they are on par with adoptive families and step-families.  A child will never have more than one biological parent, genetically related to him/her living with him/her.  But, if we were to nullify and not allow same-sex marriages would that save the family?  No.  The vast majority of problems marriages and families would continue to erode the institution.  The problems the family faces are because they are made up of people, and people have problems.  People have problems with marriage and family because it is stressful living with others.  They lack skills they need to cope, they can be selfish, sometimes incompatible with each other, can have mental illness, can be abusive, etc.  Then there are external forces of economics and finances, jobs, etc.  Even in the nuclear family, individuals are often isolated and unsupported as they experience the problems and stresses of life.  Just think of bringing that first new-born infant home!

Among "us heterosexuals" there are plenty of threats to marriage and family.  Not everyone looks at marriage as a sacrament.  People fall in love and just live together.  Then, after the trial period, maybe they will commit to each other for a lifetime.  Some of us are serial polygamists, marrying, divorcing, and marrying again and again.  Married heterosexuals have premarital and extramarital sexual affairs.  We bring many threats to the family ourselves.  It is ironic that we think the greatest threat to marriage and family are people who want to be married.

So, why do LGBT individuals want to be married?  The rhetoric is that they just want to love who they love, but really that is only a part of the reason, in my opinion.  I step back and ask why do straight people want to get married?  What do we get out of it?

Forty years ago, I met Jean, we dated, we walked and talked together with intent.  I felt attracted to her, socially, emotionally, and sexually.  I "fell in love" with her, meaning that I wanted to be with her, mate with her, commit myself to a sexual bond and family life with her... and we got married.  Why?  Well, we were both clearly taught that sex was reserved for marriage, so only through marriage could we have shameless, guilt-free, acceptable sex with each other.  We received a ceremonial blessing and an elaborate celebration, gifts, and a state approved certificate of our special legal status (with tax incentives) when we got married.  Oh, and Jean changed her last name.  Everyone now recognized that we were committed to each other for the rest of our lives and into the eternities.

We could have just moved in with each other to have sex, a life together, and children without the ceremony, celebration, or certificate, but would everyone else around us be as sure of our commitment to each other?

Is this what the LGBT partners want?  They want to be free to love each other and they want to have the ceremony, celebration, and certificate; they want their sex to be shameless, guilt-free, and accepted.  And they want all the same legal status that Jean and I enjoy.  They don't want to hide in some affair, or just live together.  They don't want to just be "partners" anymore.  Again, it is ironic that the greatest threat to marriage comes from those who are fighting to be married.

And, again, as a homophobic, heterosexual, white, middle-class, 60 year-old male, I do not pretend to understand same-sex attraction, its causes or consequences.  As a biology major, I understand sexual reproduction.  So, I do not see same-sex marriages capable of creating "natural families" any more than single-parents, step-parents, or divorced parents can.  I suspect same-sex marriages will have many matrimonial and familial problems to face the best they can... hopefully, with love and support.

In my experience with children and families as a school teacher, counselor and administrator, I tell you there are a lot of different kinds of cohabitation and guardianship out there now.  The nuclear family is only one type of family.  I have have witnessed the challenges children have in these "families."  We may have ideals, but reality rarely approached those ideals.  We all have a lot of work to do if we are going to protect, defend, or save the marriage and the family.

So, where do I stand on the issues of marriage and family?  First, I believe that marriages are religiously, socially, and legally sanctioned sexual unions.  Now, people have sex outside of marriage, but they have to justify it themselves without the support of religion, society, or the state.  I believe that natural families have largely been bulldozed down by modern culture and economics, and replaced with all the other forms of families we have today.  I believe our corporate-owned, mass media is working very hard to convince us to accept all forms of sexuality: straight, gay, polygamous, and polyamorous.  The logical culmination of that acceptance would seem to be the legal status of marriage.  Will this be the progression of marriage and family or its degradation?  I don't know.

Ultimately, the sanctity of marriage and family rests in the minds, hearts, and bodies of every man and woman.  What I do, say, and think impacts my marriage and my family.  I have some work to do.

I am going to give Jean a hug.